Height of absurdity
by EpimetheusUnbound
Summary: Cannibalism, attempted USUK and Franada, Russia/America, Russia/Canada Size related humor


wiki/List_of_countries_and_dependencies_by_area

In square mi

Russia

6,323,482

Antartica

5,400,000

Canada

3,511,023

China

3,600,950

US

3,537,455

Brasil

3,266,584

Australia

2,947,336

India

1,105,805

Mexico

750,561

France

247,270

Spain

192,660

Sweden

410,335

Japan

140,728

Germany

134,623

Italy

113,570

UK

93,410

If England was 1 unit high, I'm going to go with feet because I'm American, if England was one foot high, proportionately, based on land area:

Russia ~= 68 ft

Canada ~= 38 ft

China ~= 39 ft

US ~= 38 ft

Brasil ~= 35 ft

Australia ~= 32 ft

India ~= 12 ft

Mexico ~= 8 ft

France ~= 3 ft

Spain ~= 2 ft

Sweden ~= 4 ft

Japan ~= 2 ft

Germany ~= 1 ft

Italy ~= 1 ft

UK ~= 1 ft

Land area taken from Wikipedia and includes territories. My approximations rounded to nearest whole numbers. This means that if England was 1 foot high then America would be 38 feet high. This is a popular pairing, but size-wise it would be rather awkward.

America looked at his tiny would-be lover. England was about the size of a piece of popcorn. Don't get him wrong, the guy was hot, but there were some practical issues. Most notably the fact that America was now craving popcorn. England had already stripped. "Well?" England asked, an impatient expression on his face.

"Well…" America stalled, "do you want some popcorn?"

"No I don't bloody want any bloody popcorn! I'm standing here naked because I'm ready to have sex!"

America became angry as well, "Well, what do you expect me to do? You're tiny! What? Do you want to crawl up my ass or something, because you certainly can't bottom." America was thinking that butter makes a great lube and goes well on popcorn.

"I thought that you already had something in mind when you asked me out. Surely you realized there would be complications?"

America blushed, no he hadn't thought it out. It just seemed like a neat idea to have a tiny lover. He looked at England, wondering if he would be crunchy, like popcorn, or chewy. Either way, he bet England would taste good lathered in butter. Everything tastes good lathered in butter.

Fuck it, America thought, as he picked England up and tossed him into his mouth. He chomped down. England was sort of squishy and then crunchy and emitted a bacon sort of flavor. It wasn't very satisfying. America went to the kitchen and microwaved a bag of popcorn.

==++[][]

Canada was standing there naked looking down at France. France had asked him out. He had said that they would make it work somehow. Canada looked doubtful; he also didn't mention what happened with his brother and England. What France didn't know, won't hurt him.

"Now place me on your penis." France instructed.

Canada complied. France scurried around on Canada's genitals and it felt creepy as hell. It felt like a bug was crawling on a very sensitive portion of his anatomy. "Stop. Stop. I can't do this. Let's just go to sleep. We can work something out later." France looked disappointed, but acquiesced. Canada placed France on the left side of the bed and fell asleep. When Canada woke, he found that his arm was sprawled across the left side of the bed. There was something sticky on his arm, it felt gross. Canada lifted his arm and was horrified. He scraped it off his arm and took a long shower. He threw the sheets away. Some relationships just weren't meant to be.

[[]]=+?

Russia found that he quite enjoyed the height that America and Canada were at. They were about half his height and wasn't that just perfect. Canada was manipulating his left testicle while America worked on his right. Their small eager tongues were eagerly tasting Russia's member. "It's a pity." The twins looked up at him curiously. "You're too small for me to penetrate, at least with my cock." Comprehension spread across their faces.

Russia had the twins side by side, their heads rested on their arms and their knees propped their asses up into the air. Russia lubed both of his index fingers before gently pressing into the sweet North American brother's holes. They had such cute pert little butts. Once the twins adjusted to his fingers, Russia's movements became more intense. The twin's heads were facing each other as they were panting and emitting such lovely sounds.

Canada whined in pleasure; America reached his left hand out to his brother and pulled him into a kiss as Russia fingered them. It was always fun to do things with his closest brother.

The Ends


End file.
